In Vino Veritas
by kazekagesama23
Summary: “In wine, there is truth.” How true is this age-old statement? A determined Mitsurishi Anko starts an investigation to find out.


In Vino Veritas

Summary: "In wine, there is truth." How true is this age-old statement? A determined Mitsurishi Anko starts an investigation to find out.

A.N. This began as a crazy idea. How would a drunken Neji act? A drunken Hinata? A drunken Shikamaru? I must admit, I was eager to find out. Here's what I came up with.

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Kurenai looked in disbelief at a grinning Mitsurishi Anko. "You're going to do what?!"

Anko grinned even wider, white teeth glistening under the artificial lights. "You heard me right the first time. I'm going to get all the major shinobi and kunoichi in this village drunk off their butts and see how they act."

Kurenai's mouth opened and closed wordlessly several times before she got her higher mental functions back. "But…why?"

Anko shrugged. "Why not?" As Kurenai sputtered, Anko grinned again. "Actually, it's because it's going to be a whole lot of fun! I can pay twice as much for half the entertainment."

Kurenai sighed, shaking her head. "I suppose it's already too late to dissuade you."

Anko nodded cheerfully. "Yup! In fact, I've already had the bartender change out the weak white wine in your glass for some extremely potent alcohol. You're gonna be my first test subject!"

Kurenai gasped, looking at her glass. It was mostly empty, with only a little of the clear liquid left in the bottom. "I've already had four of these glasses! Why didn't you tell me?!"

Anko shook her head. "Because silly, then you wouldn't agree to be my test subject! I need to observe you when you've had relatively little warning."

Kurenai stood up swiftly, wobbling and almost falling over from the sudden motion. "I…I refuse to participate in your little game! I'm going home!"

Anko grinned as she stood up to follow the slightly inebriated Kurenai, leaving some money on the bar as she trailed the kunoichi out the door.

She pulled out a pad of legal paper and a sharpened pencil. "Oh, it's too late for that, Kurenai. Much too late."

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!TOP SECRET! **Anko's Case Files** !TOP SECRET!

Subject One: Yuheii Kurenai

Sex: Female

Marital Status: Dating

Inebriation Type: Amorous Drunk

Subject showed admirable coordination while under extreme intoxication. Subject maintained balance and poise throughout the trip home. Upon contact with significant other, subject attempted to remove clothes and pull to the bedroom to "make some sweet, sweet lovin'." Subject was mostly successful in her endeavor. Subject also showed heightened sensitivity and an insatiable appetite for sex. Frankly, it was kinda hot.

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Anko fanned herself with her hand as she walked away from Kurenai's apartment, flushed and smiling. "Well, that certainly was interesting. I didn't think Kurenai was that flexible. From the way she always acts, I figured she'd be a robot in bed."

She tapped her chin thoughtfully with her pencil. "I wonder how she'd feel about a threesome?" Anko drooled a little as she processed the mental image. "I'll have to get her drunk again and see what she says…"

Scanning the street for her next unfortunate victim, her eyes lit up as she saw Neji returning from the eastern training grounds.

"Perfect! The stick up the butt Hyuuga! This'll be really interesting!" Giggling in glee, she snuck up behind the long haired boy and pinched his butt.

Whirling around, Neji activated the Byakyugan, fingers poised to deliver the Sixty-Four Palms. When he saw a laughing Anko, he relaxed somewhat, the veins disappearing from around his eyes as his Byakyugan deactivated.

"What can I do for you Anko-san?" he asked politely, if a bit tersely.

Anko got her laughter under control and held up her pencil and notepad. "I need your help with an experiment I'm doing."

Neji looked wary. "What kind of experiment?"

"Oh, nothing much…" Anko said, just a little too casually. "I need to sleep with a Hyuuga male, to see if their legendary prowess is real or not. I've been told that they're good for at least three hours."

Seeing Neji's look of absolute horror, Anko couldn't hold back. She burst out laughing, clutching her stomach as she wheezed. "Y…you should have HAHAHA seen the look HAHA on your face…HAHAHAHAHA!"

Neji turned away stiffly and began to walk away, his back held straight in indignation.

"W…wait! I really HAHAHA do have something I need your help with." Anko gasped out between chuckles.

Neji reluctantly turned back, grinding his teeth as Anko straightened up. "Don't play me for a fool. What is it that you want?"

Anko pulled a large bottle out of her coat, handing it to Neji. "I need you to chug this."

Neji popped open the cap and sniffed experimentally. "Smells like alcohol."

"That's because it is you silly boy!"

Neji put the cork back on and dropped the bottle in Anko's hands. "Forget it." He started to walk away again before Anko's hand on his shoulder stopped him.

Her grin was downright nasty and Neji sweated a little. "How about this. You chug that bottle and I won't tell Hinata that you're pining after her."

Neji's jaw dropped. "How did you…?! Wait, what makes you think I like Hinata-sama?"

Anko chuckled. "Oh I don't know. It may have been a lucky guess. Or maybe those short stories I found under your bed? Those were really good, by the way. You should consider becoming a writer."

Neji gave her his coldest glare before taking the bottle and gulping down the entire contents in one go. He wiped his mouth and handed the bottle back. "There, are you satisfied?"

Anko smiled cheerily. "Yup! See you later." She bounded quickly out of sight, hiding behind a protruding smokestack. She watched Neji shake his head slightly, as if to clear it before he walked slowly down the road, heading to his home.

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!TOP SECRET! **Anko's Case Files** !TOP SECRET!

Subject 2: Hyuuga Neji

Sex: Male

Marital Status: Single

Inebriation Type: Amorous Drunk

Upon ingesting large amounts of alcohol, subject became flirtatious, frisky, and somewhat indiscriminating in his affections. Subject hit on no less that seven women on his way home. When I disguised my self as Hinata, subject wrestled me to the ground and we had hours and hours of steamy passionate smex. I am pleased to say that the Hyuuga legend is true and the Hyuuga males are exceptional partners in bed. Apparently, the Byakyugan can see a woman's G-spot. Although I am at a loss as to how he didn't see through my henge… Maybe he was just too drunk to care at that point. Subject also became clingy and possessive, latching on and not letting go. I attribute this phenomenon to the fact that subject has been alone for the better part of his life. Of course when he woke up, subject was highly displeased to find out that it wasn't 'Hinata-sama' that he had slept with, but that didn't stop him from going for round two. I'll have to get this kid drunk more often.

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A.N. So, what d'ya think? Is it worth continuing? This will not under any circumstances ever be a serious fic. It's mostly crack. I'll do a couple more in the next chapter if you guys think it's worth updating.


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